Mental Health Update: Staying Positive

I wanted to take some time to write out a bunch things I have been feeling lately over my mental health, I feel like putting it out there will help me vent and give me a better perspective on how I am dealing with everything, 5 months on from my diagnosis.  And if this helps out anyone else in the process I am so happy to be able to do that for you, it's okay to talk loudly about how you're feeling even when it may seem scary. 

THE PAST

For those of you who may not know, February of this year I was diagnosed with Depression. I made a video talking about how everything happened and how I was feeling about making a huge decision in my life in order to get my brain back to being happy and healthy. If you want to watch that video to understand how I had been dealing with it all, please feel free to watch. 

But to cut a long story short, the main trigger of my depression was University, or so I thought. Since April I have been trying hard to get my mind and body back into full health. I always thought that being at Uni was the main reason that I was not well when in reality it was only a small fraction of the demons I have been fighting inside. 

Anxiety is something I have been dealing with since 2012, it escalated in 2014 and since then I have never been the same. Recently it has been playing a bigger part in my life, I always think of every detail of every situation and overthink it. 

Some of the most popular thoughts running in my mind are as follows;

"Everyone hates me"

"They're probably talking about me behind my back"

"I'm going nowhere with my life"

"I should just give up"

Your own mind is your own worst enemy even at your best of times.  

I think leaving Uni was one of the best things I ever done, I felt so free and at peace and didn't feel like I wanted to end my life anymore. However, it has made me overthink what everyone thinks about me. I've had people who know me from that part of my life ask me how it went and if that was me finished now and a lot of the time I'll just lie through my teeth and say "yeah that's me done now" but then it follows up with "so are you going to graduation etc." That's when I need to explain why I'm not and THAT is when I feel at my lowest and feel like everyone will just pity me, which then escalates to "They're probably going to talk about me behind my back because of this". 

I even start to question whether my friends actually like me or put up with me? or question if I actually have any real friends? When in reality I do but I just can't let myself see that. I believe everything that my unbalanced mind is telling me. I think it's as clear as ever now that my problems are coming from every angle. I don't believe in my own self worth, I don't believe in myself. 

As I sit here writing this, I am making a new plan to start again.

THE PRESENT

Staying positive has it's ups and downs just like everything in life does. But it is something that I will be trying to do, I am someone that does believe in hope (probably the superman fan in me) but it's true I really do and I always have. I hope that my life will turn out how it should be and I won't fail at every step I take. I'm 23 and I keep thinking about the fact that I turn 24 this year and I do have some great things to show for being this age but at the same time I feel like I don't. I talked with a stranger in work about this, I know this sounds very random but it helped me massively and this lady has no idea but I will say a massive thank you to her for helping me have a clearer picture. She told me that from ages of 24 and 26, they were the best years of her life and during that time is when she finally found her feet. Maybe that could be me too? Everybody moves at life in their own pace, some do things faster than others and some do it slower.

I always had goals in my life that I wanted to reach at certain ages but it's unrealistic unless, lets face it, if you come from a different class. That's something I find so hard about applying for jobs in different aspects with my degree (I still left with a Bachelors). I find living in Scotland confining when it comes to jobs and opportunities, I don't think I will be living here forever, but I guess we'll see. I feel like I miss out on so much, blogger wise and career wise but you know, money! You need that to do a lot of things and affording to live these days is so expensive as it is. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to go into yet, PR has always been a possibility and Marketing as these are things that I endorsed in with College and University. Finding work experience is first on my list, to just have someone to take me under their wing and show me the real ins and outs of it all which will expand my current knowledge and ability is something that I would love to do.

THE FUTURE

So with all of this I am making a new plan, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because hell, I LOVE this! Blogging and doing YouTube as my hobby makes me so happy and I will keep at it because it is a great benefit for my CV and my experience.  I have worked with some pretty great brands and I am so proud to represent them and have them see something in me that was worth it. And I will be working harder at finding out what is for me and what I see myself doing in the future.

I've started to think about being an 'adult' now and guess what? it excites me! I'm finally ready to take that next step in my life into adulthood and start my career. If you asked me this time a few months ago if I felt this way I would probably have hid under my bed covers and just pretended that you never asked me and that the future is something that doesn't exist. But now? I can't wait to start working in the field I want to be in, it might take a little while to get there but I'm excited and determined to start. 

I want everyone to know that I am getting better but it's a slow long process and I still have a very long path to go down until I am comfortable in my own skin again. Something that I have learned over the past few months since my first post is that you have more of a support system than you think you do, your true friends will show themselves from times like this to show you how much they love you and will stand by you. Little things have started happening in the world of 'Rebecca Smile' that I am so thrilled about and it has really proven to me that hard work and determination will pay off.

This will be my first blog post update of many, so thank you for taking the time to be there for me simply by reading this post. For anyone going through the same as me or similar, I want you to know that there is light at the end of this long tunnel, just keep fighting because in the end it will be worth it. But remember it's okay not to be okay ♡

Rebecca

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