My Body and Me *Trigger Warning*

Trigger Warning: I will be talking about my own experiences with Eating Disorders and Body Dysmorphia throughout this blog post, if these subjects make you uncomfortable or will trigger you in any way this may not be the post for you. I do have photos of what my body looked like from not eating which I will not be sharing, I'm only using comparisons that don't show that much excess in terms of how my weight looked. 

13 years old, that was the start of it all. I remember thinking that I was the 'fat' friend and the 'ugly' one, maybe it's because when you're that age attractions to people start becoming the normal and when you were as shy as I was and never had courage to speak to anyone but you would see your friends get the attention of boys and you weren't, you were just the quiet friend of that person that nobody really knew. Now I'm not saying at 13 I wanted a boyfriend I actually wasn't really interested in relationships but when your friends start getting that attention and you aren't it does make you wonder, why is it not me? That's only one small part of how it began, it was also taking pictures with friends and concentrating on how you look compared to them instead of enjoying the picture and the memories you were making in that moment.

I think I was 10 in this photo, I always had a 'baby face' probably until I was about 17 and that really played a part, I'd look at myself and think "Oh my god I look so fat" but looking back now it was a normal thing to have! I always remember pulling the skin around my jaw to see what I looked like without it and how much better looking I would be, I am guilty of having done that in my 20s too. During the ages of 13 and 18 I would get really funny with food, sometimes I just wouldn't eat like lunch time at school and I also wouldn't even eat breakfast. Then when I got home from school and dinner would be made for me I would take it up to my room, pick at it and then leave it and I would sit and wait until I could hear nobody in the kitchen and I would then run down and put in it in the bin so nobody would know.

Having dinner at the table was even worse because I couldn't escape I had to sit there and eat what was on my plate even when I didn't want it, I would pick at it and then eat maybe half and say I'm full and then I would get "maybe try a bit more" but I was so stubborn I just wouldn't. This brought on my next issue, bringing it all back up again to get it out of my system. This became a new habit and I did it not everyday but most days. I guess in a way I was 'keeping up appearances' by eating it in front of people but then secretly getting rid of it after. This all stopped when I started college and moved on from High School.

Being a teenager is hard, I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be now with social media being what it is today, it wasn't quite like that back in my day (god I sound so old!).  Celebrities who knowingly have a young fan base endorsing diet teas, hunger suppressant lollipops, fad diets etc. they are causing so much harm but it's okay to them because they get a nice fat paycheck for promoting it not even thinking twice about what those products that we know fine well they don't even use themselves will do to someone. I always remember going to our local shopping centre as you do as teens and my friends were all talking about getting something called 'skinny water' which was supposed to suppress your hunger, I remember thinking "what the hell is that?", but so we all went to Superdrug and bought a bottle each, drank it and they were saying "oh my god I'm so full" me at this point could tell no difference and was still hungry and so in typical me fashion I went to Mcdonalds and got large fries and when I got them low and behold all my friends were suddenly hungry asking me for some! So it just shows you this diet stuff that gets promoted online doesn't work! it's a placebo to make you think it's doing something. I've lost count how many times I've been contacted to promote these things and I have never once given in and done it, morally I could never and will never.

Here I am at 17, this was when I was beginning to change and get back to normal. I think at this point in my life I had friends around me that didn't obsess about looks or what they put in their mouths so it made me not care as much. I started college and ended up with attention from boys which again I was not used to. I dated two people and had my first kiss at 18 years old, which to some may be 'late' but it's not at all, it's normal. I ended up in a relationship out of those two people and got more confidence from there, it made me think "maybe I'm not the ugly duckling" like I always thought I was. I was fine for a few years and then in 2014 I got unwell.

One day in summer 2014 it was hot and I went out like a normal day, I ended up fainting and was out for a long time when I woke up I was covered in sweat and I had no recollection of what had just happened. I ended up having an overactive thyroid and a sickness virus that lasted up to 6 weeks, this also developed my anxiety disorder. Just a big mess. In this time I lost a lot of weight and honestly I've never been that small before.

These were taken after the 6 weeks of being in bed. I mean looking at those photos now, god, that was not right. That is not how my body was supposed to look at all.  I had dropped to 7"3 in weight which I had never been before *disclaimer; some people are naturally this slim which is fine! but my own body type should not have looked like this* From this because I got used to my body looking like this it made me think this was how I should look all the time so I carried that with me for years. My anxiety played a big role in this too, I thought if I started gaining weight I would be ugly and nobody would like me how wrong I was. I started Uni the following year to finish my degree and this brought out new habits that I hadn't done before.

This was 2015, during my time at Uni because it's such a stressful and intense environment, eating is the last thing you think about doing when you need to study and head to lecture to lecture. I was also working part time so I would go from uni to work quite often. I would eat a sandwich for lunch and that would do me for the day, I carried this habit on with me for years and I'm talking up to early 2019  for reasons which I will come to. Drinking mass amounts of coffee too instead of having a meal became a habit too. From 2015 to 2019 I had always been in the 8 stone range and never really went over 8"5.

Then comes 2016, time for Body Dysmorphia to play its role. What spiralled this? Well someone who I was with at the time, dropped the bombshell on me that two years prior he cheated on me. Two years that secret was kept for, it was a huge gut wrenching moment. The saddest part is I stayed in that relationship and was made to think it was a 'bump' in the road, but that's a whole other issue. Unfortunately this led me to start looking at myself different, thinking that the way I looked was a problem and that's why it happened. I picked apart every feature of myself, my nose, my side profile, my waist, my boobs, my bum, everything. I found myself constantly looking at myself in mirrors obsessing with how I looked. I started wearing fake tan to make myself look more like what I thought men desired, changed my hair, and dressed differently. I even started to touch up photos, not so much that I couldn't recognise myself but enough to hide what I hated most. I would be on the internet comparing myself to all the beautiful girls you see on social media, thinking I need to look like that then I wouldn't get cheated on. If someone was looking at me I would think "oh my god they're staring at my nose they think I look ugly". I would always feel paranoid that I wasn't good enough no matter what I did or how I acted. It's so sad to look back on. I hate that I spent so much time feeling like that but you know what you live and learn and I would never let that happen again.

Back to my weight, still going on with the habit of one meal a day I started to stop that and in early 2018 to half way through the year I started gaining more weight which for the first time actually excited me as much as it was scary.

I will always remember this photo because this where I didn't care about what I looked like anymore, I had gained weight, I could see it and was content. I expressed how happy it made me to my then boyfriend who then responded by saying "just don't get fat, I don't want a fat girlfriend" I will never ever forget that. I had that ringing in my ear for a long time. What was confusing about that comment is that he had even voiced concerns about my weight when we were together so why would you even think to say that? So unfortunately old habits came back and I lost it again. We broke up several months later after this photo was taken. I had lost more weight during that time but come january 2019, old habits died out and I became healthy again and gained weight back. I was only 8"6 through most of the year but it was better than 7 stone. 

Flash forward to now, back in february I had my routine check up with my doctor and discovered that I was now 9 stone, now I never weigh myself even in my mums house I never had scales so I would check it every 6 months and that was at the doctors for a check up that I normally get to make sure everything is in working order. So to find this out not gonna lie scared me, I have never been that weight before in my life but it's not a bad thing at all. Currently I am 9"5 and I do look healthy now and not frail like I was before. Could my health in terms of exercise and food be better? yes but it really is one step at a time. Lockdown got me out walking a lot more and for longer periods than half an hour and now I don't run out of breath walking up the stairs. It's just little steps in the right direction at your own pace until you feel comfortable to progress even more. 

Something for me that is a huge deal that might seem a bit strange to some is letting people see you eat. I've always felt nervous about eating in front of people in case they judge me or stare at me while doing it, truth is people don't and if they do they are just weird. I remember I could barely eat on my first night out with my work mates back in 2016 we had a sit down dinner and I ate maybe half the plate because I was so nervous. But when I went on my second date with my now boyfriend we went for pizza and this was after I had a full night with him the night before having drinks so I felt like we knew each other pretty well, so eating in front of him wasn't going to be too hard, I was still nervous but he made me feel at ease without even knowing it. Now we literally lie in bed eating, go on date nights to eat etc and I don't even think about it anymore. If I can eat in front of you then that's a good sign! 

I think another big problem is when buying clothes and you pick up the normal size you would get but as soon as you try it on it doesn't fit but you go to another store and pick up your correct size again and it fits perfectly. I've now taught myself to remember that a lot of stores are different in their sizing and I shouldn't get hung up on it if I need to buy a bigger size than I normally am, looking at you h&m. 

Having healthy relationships and friendships make a whole lot of difference to you as you go on. Am I saying that this disorder will ever fully go away? no part of it will always be there but it's how you learn to not let it control everything you do which is the important part. I recently shared these photos on Instagram and wanted to share them here too, this is what provoked me into making this post.

This is me in the same dress 5 years apart. I look at this and feel comfort knowing that I look better now than I ever did, still a little sad that looking back on that photo below from 2015 I thought I looked fat in that dress after I took the photo but posted anyway. I can see now that was completely wrong and I actually think looking at it now I look very unwell. But I have made progress, it's still challenging at times, I do find myself going back to old habits then having to remind myself nope we don't do that anymore. I have some things that can trigger me like certain foods or even a picture that looks a bit off, it's normal and it's gonna happen every now and again but I learn to deal with it and grow. 

Eating Disorders come in many different ways, it's a mental health issue at the end of the day. It's very hard to deal with, not many people can understand it because it's so foreign to them having never gone through it or having anyone close to them go through it. If you are someone who never really understood it, please take the time to educate yourself about it because there is a chance that you may be close or will be close to someone who is fighting the battle. It makes a world of difference having someone in your life that understands it all, one of my closest friends went through it all too and she is the one person I know I can turn to if I start having issues again because she just gets it completely. 

Thank you if you took the time to read this post and I hope that it may have comforted you in some way if you or someone you know has or is going through the same thing. 

Rebecca

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